Fear Is A Bad Word
I have felt an enormous amount of fear during my life. While withstanding so much childhood trauma, and then receiving yet another new trauma (assault) only two years ago by my former boyfriend, my fear catapulted. In addition and without forewarning, i had a spontaneous kundalini awakening only a year ago. I had never fully recovered from all the previous difficulties and was now faced with the fear of the unknown.Fortunately, I was acquainted with the idea of kundalini and what it was all about within the first week of its occurrence. My therapist at the time saw a picture of me and a boa constrictor that was taken in Venice, California just one month prior and I had also informed her of the major dream activity I was experiencing. She said without hesitation, "You are having a kundalini awakening". This was the first I had heard of the term. Shortly thereafter, I went to the library and found one book on yoga which briefly mentioned kundalini, the Spiritual Emergence Network, and the name of the psychologist I am currently seeing, Stuart Sovatasky.
I fervently continued my research on the internet and in various bookstores, desperately needing to know more on the subject and that I was not going out of my mind. The question of why this was happening to me was reoccurring as I had already been through enough rollercoasters and finally needed to feel a sense of peace and balance in my life. I was feeling frightened as I was having a some extreme kundalini symptoms and felt like I was being punished. There were some very uncomfortable and startling experiences which can be initially intimidating to one who is not accustomed to them. With the accumulation of additional knowledge on this phenomenon, I tried to become more trusting of the energy. I learned along the way that fear can be a great inhibitor to the path on which the Kundalini is traveling. I am still adjusting to this new reality.
I have come to accept these things into my life, although I am sometimes angered by the fatigue I endure as a result of the nightly lucid dream and out of body activity which make it difficult to maintain the stamina required to get me through this experience. I often wonder why this has happened to me and then, at times, I am thankful to be blessed with this energy. I have and still become very depressed and sometimes begin to lose faith. It is a constant struggle.
Overall, it has been a very lonely time for me. One tends to feel very isolated during this transformation because very few people understand what is happening or can relate to it. My psychologist does understand as he has experienced his own awakening. It is also probable that a distance will be felt between family or friends due to the fact that most people in the Western civilization are not familiar with Kundalini.
More and more people are becoming aware as time goes by as this is the age of enlightenment. It is an extraordinary evolutionary period. The Kundalini is a rebirthing process. Like a chrysalis, the larva eventually morphs into a butterfly, but there is a transition period that takes place. It is not as beautiful, and not always comfortable, but it must pass through this stage. It is helpful and hopeful to remember that the light will eventually break through the dark clouds.
The day I really started believing in the love that was being offered me was on a day when I was more depressed than usual. I broke down crying as I was walking home. It was like a dam that broke. A flood of anguish came forth. At that moment, I saw a vision of what I perceive as Christ, extending his arms and hands towards me. I ran into his arms, placing my head in his hands and felt more comfort and love than I ever had in my life. There is something more beyond this plane of existence. I know that now. There is hope in all of this. There is also less reason to fear when you finally know that there is someone out there who really loves you.
© Copyright Robin Lovejoy 2006