Be Careful What You Wish For...
This is my account, it is aimed directly at the teenager who mirrors myself as I was in the summer of 2003. It is an apology, because if you are like i was, and you are reading this, then honestly, you may be in serious danger.Maybe, you are looking for power, if you are, run away and don't come back. Maybe you are looking for a tripped out high, if you are, run away and don't come back And maybe you are looking for a means to prove your self worth, or even looking for vengeance, if you are, please turn back and find peace somewhere else, for your own sake.
To apologize to you, who are like I was, eager and full of imagination and hope, easily swayed- these are not bad qualities to have. Never let someone crush your dreams or spirit. But I am going to tell you something you may not know, and may not want to hear.
At 17, I swore I knew everything. Oh no, there wasn't anything I couldn't grasp or explain to someone with a few simple analogies. I was untouchable too, there was nothing that could get in my way if I said so.
Now, things are different...
I was playing with basic magic and familiar spirits at that point, after experimenting with unproven chi exercises and being driven into a state of hallucinogenic psychosis several months earlier. But even the nightmares of being unprotected from the familiars or my own hallucinations could not prepare me for the things I experience now. I want to say to you that, though I was not warned, I did make the decisions I made, and I wasn't the only one who had to live with them. Before receiving deliverance in Christ, I used the most familiar avenue to ask for the awakening. That’s right, on purpose, I lit the candles and performed a ritual under the guidance of the familiar sprits who would later be cast out as demons.
That was the beginning of a call to grow up.
For the next few months, I looked for signs of the spectacular promises I had been made of this great Kundalini awakening. Before the night on the mountain which became the night of my salvation, the Kundalini had meant only empty power, a means to an end. Don't scoff, because if you are thinking the way I was, and you are reading this, I hope it is right on time to stop you from destroying the lives of your family and friends.
After the familiars were expelled and I had my own mind back, though they continued their relentless assaults.. The Kundalini became something to be strived for. A means of bettering myself, and hopefully becoming stronger in Christ. The day before I went on the Church retreat where I was saved a goddess appeared to me- I am not very familiar with Hinduism, but she was beautiful, powerful, and destroyed much of the holds my familiar spirits had over me. I missed her when she left...
Now then things began to get weirder when my mind divided itself into several personalities, a wolf, a snake (representing K), a monkey with three personalities of its own, and a dove. Memories and issues from my past began to spring up faster than weeds, being brought to the surface of my mind as the energy pooled in my ajna, which had already been open. The familiars were back with a vengeance, attacking from every corner of my mind day after day. By day they would confuse and stress my thoughts, I could have sworn I was going insane, still think I am; and I certainly must have been for even messing with this whole thing. By night they would toy with my energy centers, taking from them, misusing them, planting chi blockages and 'dark chi bombs' (little energy blocks that would travel through my system and make me extremely ill, or put me into fits of rage or depression). The old methods- magic and incantations, for dealing with these things were gone, and I was not yet close enough to God to truly understand the power of my prayer.
This took place between June of 04 and November of 04. Yet I had been given the gift of Tongues, and I was given Mercy the night I was saved. I must say to you that it is only by prayer and the Grace of God that I am not locked up somewhere, crazy or worse...
I withdrew into my mind still thinking that I would be ok, that it would all work itself out... But that wasn’t the end of it. The worst thing I have ever done during this process, because I visited my family in December, and while trying to intermediate a quarrel between my mother and my uncle, I ended up cursing them with the same tongues I had been blessed with, yet they were the unholy, blasphemous tongues I'd used to communicate with the familiars with. I scared my grandmother into tears and I was a hair off putting my uncle and myself in the hospital. that's right, I've given you something that's really too personal to share, but I am giving you this small piece of my life, as a gift, that you will have lived my mistakes by reading it, and not have to deal with the consequences. That event was a defining moment, when i realized I was , aside from God, alone in the process. I had no teacher, no one who could understand the truth of my situation, and no one who could really relate.
January was when they (the familiars) again gathered for an assault. They hid their insidious thoughts within mine to tempt me away from God, lying to me every waking moment, and harassing me more when I would try to sleep. The Kundalini, as little of it has awakened, had taken my overly introverted and sensitive nature into overdrive as it was clearing out my subconscious mind- and all of this during the most crucial points of my high school career. You see, now that they are closing down our school, this is MY LAST CHANCE to graduate and move on to college. So when I am supposed to be straight focused on academics, my attention is elsewhere, being wary of familiars sent to test me. My attention is diverted to keeping my sanity at a time when I cannot even answer 'who am I?' The K moves when it moves, how it moves, because it moves- or to say that I do not control its works, but its workings control me- days when I can barely move myself, literally paralyzed, to being so hyperactive I cannot sit in front of a computer for more than 2 minutes, to days when I am in such despair I cannot remember that the sun is shining, to points when I cannot sleep at night, and yet cannot move during the day.
To make this story longer.... These are problems that are not nearly as serous as the veterans on this site, but if you’re in school or you've got a job or some major responsibility- you do not have time for this craziness and abnormality going on around you and inside you. I forgot to mention, that this isn't even the fullness of this Kundalini, which I still do not understand. Its not completely awake and already my ability to function has decreased. I had deliberately activated it, like jumping into the Polar Bear habitat at the zoo hoping for a good time. I am saying to you now, at 18, and under stress I have brought upon myself, please do not take this one willingly, do not create in your life another boulder to carry, your life is enough of a boulder and you're young. Concentrate on being a teenager while you can and leave this thing ALONE, there aren't many second chances, so go and have fun while you are still a kid. Don't be in a rush to grow up, I promise you you will regret it, but once you come into it you cannot go back to being a child. There are many other stories that pale mine into mediocrity, horrible stories of cancer, and death, and terrible sickness and mental turmoil that you just don't need as a teenager, trust me, I got this knock the hard way, but the scar isn't going anywhere. I apologize to you that no one warned you to leave it alone, I apologize that there are some who would even encourage it in their misunderstanding, but I am asking you, whoever has come this far down the page, to stop whatever it is you are doing, and please walk away from this. If it is destined to happen in your life it will, but by all means don't fix it because its not broken
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